A Time to Choose Life

“I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of.” ~ Jesus (John 10:10, The Message)

This blog has been completely abondoned these past few months, but that is nothing compared to the neglect that some of my dreams have been made to endure over the years. So I thought to myself, what better way to resurrect the former than to tell of the reawakening of the latter. :)

You see, as the dawning of the New Year arrived, my heart's dreams began to resist the limitations and lies that I had so painstakingly shackled them with. In fact, their fight for release was so sudden and compelling that I could not help but take notice. And alongside their cries for freedom, I could hear the gentle voice of my Father God promising victory.

God knows what fears hold me back. He knows the lies that cling to my dreams like a heavy anchor, dragging them to the depths of failure before they can catch even a glimpse of success.

But he also knows what I am truly made of...because it is he who made me who I am. He knows that I am healed and victorious, capable and courageous.

And the time has come in my life where – finally – these God-spoken truths are drowning out the hollow lies of the enemy. God's will for me is life, but the devil only wishes me failure. Wow. The choice is simple when put so plainly.

I choose life.

With this choice comes a sort of revival. It is a revival of myself and the deepest parts of me. It is a revival of my dreams.

*****

And now for the big announcement: In just under 5 months, I will be running my first ever Half Marathon. I have dreamed of doing this for over 7 years now, but this is the year!! No more giving in to fear! No more believing I'm not disciplined enough or physically capable of accomplishing such a feat! No more!

I choose life and I choose to believe what the Lord says. I believe his favor is upon me and that I will be able to give testimony of success achieved through the strength he gives me.

This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may liveand that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life... (Deuteronomy 30:19-20a, NIV)

*The picture is a scanned copy of my very first race bib.

A Time to Feel Again

I can feel it. I can feel him. It’s been so long, but I still recognize the Spirit’s love as it bubbles up in my heart. Not yet overflowing, it instead simmers there, letting its warmth evaporate months of built up pain and anxiety. And it’s sure been a long couple of months.

His love not only cleans my heart, but it lifts it – he lifts it. I feel as though we are side by side once again, walking life as lovers would. And I hear him now:

“My Beloved, come to me. Lift up your head. Let’s take this next step together.”

He said I will never be alone. Since the day we first met, since the day he came into my heart and life, he has been with me. But again, today, I know that it’s true….because I feel him.

A Time to Grow Up

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.” ~The words of Paul in 1 Corinthians 13:11

At the age of thirty, one would think that I had “put the ways of childhood behind me” by now. But I have recently recognized in myself a lingering; a refusal to give up my childish ways. It is not as evident as a screaming, thrashing youngster who isn’t getting their own way; instead my childishness lies more subtly in my warped ability to befriend bitterness and deny responsibility for my life’s currently disagreeable condition. Regretfully, I have reduced myself to the position of a child. With each immature stomp of my foot, I choose not to forgive and I shift the weight of any and all blame to my past, my parents, my peers, to anything and anyone...but myself. Thus freedom is unattainable, and any chance of growth or success is cut off at the knees.

So until now, I have been crawling through life, not daring to stand up and cause change; instead I wriggle under each hurdle, never claiming true victory. But in my daily wrestling to seek God’s face and guidance, his Word has become like a mirror. Reflecting back at me is my pride, unforgiving heart and lackadaisical attitude, and I see that I have made myself the guest of honour at one of the world’s most lavish pity parties. With my childlike thinking, I was too ignorant to know that self-pity acts in opposition to growth and success. Now, with this newly illuminated vision of myself, my next decision is evident...

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ~James 1:2-4

It is, therefore, with great joy that I enter this season. The hurdles and mountains still remain, and don’t be fooled – some of them are quite colossal! However, the anticipation of meeting the grown-up Erin has given me strength. Not only am I now standing, but I can hear the gravel crunch beneath my feet as I work hard and persevere towards the finish line, accepting the blame and God’s forgiveness simultaneously. Nothing can stop me now!

A Time to Be Restored

For restoration to come, ruin must first have taken place. And although I don’t remember asking for the ruin of my heart, it has come upon me one year at a time, one encounter at a time, one thoughtless word at a time. Unbeknownst to me, yet with my permission all the same, a room was built within to house this otherwise staggering pain. Its entrance slammed and padlocked shut, with any new wound swiftly stuffed under the door. A “Do Not Disturb” sign has not been hung – why ever would I put a sign on a door that I am rather oblivious of? However, I fear that even worse may have happened; the sign destined for this “unknown” door has instead been placed as a placard around my neck.

Oh, what am I to do? Just think of all the people that I have kept at a distance! Just think of all the hurt that remains because I have been unwilling to look within and discover its presence! Oh, God, what am I to do?

Unlock the door, you say? But what if it all tumbles out and injures me under its weight? What if others ask about the new bruises they see? What if I am rejected because of the ugliness of my pain? What if...

On the other hand, what if I don’t unlock the door? What if I am letting these wounds – and the fear of revisiting them – cause me to miss out on a vibrant life of freedom and joy. This is most certainly happening... There must be hope for restoration! There must!

Thankfully, yes, there is hope.

And so, with the arrival of today, a season of restoration also dawned. But to be honest, I don’t yet know what it looks like to unlock this room, nor do I know how long the restoration process will take. However, what I do know is that my heart and future are in good hands, loving hands. God will guide me to this locked space and help me turn the key to its dusty existence. There he will tenderly restore me, encourage me, heal me and build me up...both by his Spirit, but also through those he has placed in my life.

Yes, there is hope.

God, my shepherd! I don't need a thing.
You have bedded me down in lush meadows,
you find me quiet pools to drink from.
True to your word,
you let me catch my breath
and send me in the right direction.

Psalm 23:1-3 (The Message)

A Time to Kneel

Three nights ago I knelt beside my bed and began talking to God. I had already been in conversation with him earlier that day, but I could no longer resist the urge to kneel in his presence. With my head resting on my hands, I was no longer distracted, no longer running, and no longer striving. And though my words came out in a barely audible whisper, I knew he could hear me. He’d surely been waiting for me there all day! So I kneeled and I surrendered. There were no tears, no wailing, no begging or worry…simply surrender. I put all that I was holding in my hands into his loving and supremely capable ones.

“God, I am done trying to figure it all out. I’m tired of trying to make ‘it’ happen…whatever ‘it’ is. And I'm sorry for not trusting you. Here I am...I simply desire to be closer to you. Take this small act of surrender, my kneeling and my offering, and do what YOU will with my life. I am yours and you are mine. Thank you Jesus.”

But surrender is not just a one-time thing. I must keep kneeling before the God who holds the world in his hands. I want to make sure I keep offering him my world to take care of too.

A Time to Take Heart

"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” - Jesus in John 16:33

Take heart, you say? Take heart?! Is that all the advice you have for me?

Ha, and then the irony strikes me...I am questioning Jesus! I am questioning the son of the living God, the creator of my being, the one who gives me breath! Yet even with such a powerful admonition – straight from the mouth of Jesus at that – I feel as though I am the one who is overcome.

But then he speaks to this weary heart of mine: “Erin, Sweetie, it’s going to be okay. I have promised to take care of you and I will not break that promise. I cannot! Remember, Daughter, I am bigger and stronger than any of your worries or troubles. So be of good courage because tomorrow is a new day; I will be with you then and until the glorious end.”

Oh, dear Jesus, thank you...

Be strong and take heart, all you who trust in the Lord. -Psalm 31:24

A Time to Dream

If I were to dream...

My hair is tied back in a ponytail, flying a bit crazily in the wind that whistles around me. My face is tanned and the smile on my lips echoes the sparkle in my eyes. The joy I feel is unmatched, undeserved, and oh so beautiful. And I feel beautiful. My God has brought me here, and I am once again unencumbered and free to be the ‘me’ that he so lovingly created.

Did I mention the overwhelming joy?

Yes, dreaming lights in my soul. Though dim for now, it threatens to burst through, leaving in its wake many crazy ideas and adventures to seriously consider. But why not? Why not dream?

Why not dream?